i can't remember those nights when i just crawled into bed and fell asleep

i forget what really good sleep is

i am in the place now where i have all the lists of things to do to help relax the insomniac though i feel very anti-do-these-things not wanting to commit to any regimen or itinerary to induce sleep

i don't want to be pushed into a group because i know all the reasons i started to lose sleep and why i don't get into bed at a usual time

i think about lately why i left my old and trusted and much loved blogging site and i think somehow i felt too much pressure there to perform the act of blogging which became tedious and nearly burdensome

how many times can you blog about your day-to-day then recieve replies then get this silent, wordy applause for writing skills after producing well written little bits when all you really want to do is type out your day and your difficulties and vent it out of yourself

the things i want to write about are boring and not very interesting but feel good to get out even if i want to repeat myself

i feel lousy about my face breaking out due to the physical stress of not sleeping well or not sleeping in long enough stretches to get good rest

i feel lousy about my hair loss

i feel lousy about itchy eyes

but i feel great about so many other things that i am dealing with having to put make-up on my face to cover the breakouts that aren't acne but hard bumps that eventually go down flat but then have this hard patch that wants to be picked off so the make-up won't go funny over it

it all sounds as i think it very shallow but i love having good skin

i love sleeping too

past novelties missed and yearned for like first love

pushing the shovel into the soil i know there will be earthworms but i don't want to see them as they will squirm and should i push the shovel in at the wrong moment i could slice one in halves

a halved worm is gross

a halved grapefruit is nice

if a grapefruit is havled you can juice it or scoop out clumps; sipping or eating

i'm thinking that i wish i didn't have trouble sleeping though i know it is hormonal it is uncomfortable

i eat more late at night or in the wee hours which doesn't sit well with me as i'd like to lose a few pounds and my muffin top

i thought it was hilarious to find someone actually named the new phenomena of a person's blubber bulging over the sides of their pants though i do not expose my muffin lumps

i ramble sometimes and these were always my favorite blog entries because i can read back and date whatever was going on in my life at the time i wrote the entry

today i planted some flowers and ate grapefruit and noticed my pants from last summer fit but not the way they fit last summer

i need to start excersizing

right now

:)

how nice that i don't feel like i have to put everything back in it's place after a long day or that every surface has to be wiped down and all the dishes in the dishwasher and my desk perfectly organized

it is liberating as far as living life's moments to not spend time and precious moments of my life watching television because one day i don't want to be anyplace thinking about the few years i have left to live and reflecting on old episodes of whatever the highest rated show that were

i love seeing dust on the steps or bits of crumb on my dining table

it is all a silent statement to me from myself that no other person would understand but i know that life is more relaxing to me now that i am not always picking up or cleaning so that i can feel as if the day is done and everything is in it's place

people have comfort zones and i am finding my own after never really stopping to think that maybe i don't have to be so seriously organized every waking moment of every day

there have been so many times i'd sit somewhere while waiting actually thinking i wasn't in the mood to go home and clean the kitchen or bedroom but i had to go do it so that i could rest assured in my head that everything was done wishing i could let it go

now i am to that point in life and i wonder about all the other things that are so easy to get over and get past if you just decide to get over and past them

here at my desk i see this incredible mess but i don't care to clean it up and organize

there is a basket on the floor by my desk that i put everything that needs filed or shredded or needs further attention and the things in it go back as far as months

i love the basket

it just goes to show...

missing my old blog site yet became so bored with writing there for so many years i won't go back to check in

at some point i will erase my account there

it is a strange thing to move and move on; everything here is like floating from space to space then drifting dreamily into one room then the others

it seems that you don't really have to know of anyone here to begin, but i already knew that

the thing is that feeling disoriented clogs the process for me

i go into certain places for certain reasons and other places for other reasons and saying so makes it clear even if it comes off as ambiguous; it would be very odd for instance to walk into CVS for the purpose of earning a living rather than to take away feminine protection

everything runs in parallel lines even when life does its very best to have things shoot off into all directions

i come to hide away at times crawling into the bowels of the internet

passages are easy enough to gain therefore to find santuary so to speak

being the new guy on the block rings of unbroken plastic wrapping and the twist ties that keep the shoplifters at bay

i woke this moring wondering about lazy topics and keeping myself out of commiting to anything one way or another

i do that often

out to the range with the cracking and noise and elbows everywhere where i find myself wary of peace or silence as with the din of practice all around me at the very least i have a sense of where i am in any given moment

i also realized today that i find anything with cheese as an ingredient very delicious

i wanted to run back (to the old blog site) and type it out as one last thing so that everyone would know that about me but i was never one of those and for some reason didn't have the energy to try to be one now after the fact

interestingly enough i find that it will be curious to sit back for once and just enjoy the view(s)

nostalgia is like anything you keep under wraps

i'ts mine or it's yours and sometimes you pretend to care about mine so i will listen when you talk about yours

the only time what i feel about cheese will matter to you is when you fall in love with me

like lightning that doesn't happen often so from here on out i will just keep those little tidbits to myself

unless you ask